Herstory of Maldeeb - Remix

Jaa expressed his deep feelings about the history of Maldives and appreciated the much effort put into preserving our heritage. So did others. Simon also brought into light the importance of having a unique language as Dhivehi for our national unity.

We have a wonderful symphony of dedicated historians brought together by the Government into a corner building opposite Majeedhiya School just for this purpose.

So what was it like back in those days? I mean in the days of history. Of Maldives. About everything people talked and talked about. I wonder... zzz...

Herstory Of Maldeeb
Malice in Wonderland

In the beginning there was just plain sea on International waters. The corals got curious about what the world was up there like after hearing so much tales from the Little Mermaid. Areal had told them so many fascinating stories about the beauty and all that of the world beyond Under the Sea.

So they popped their head and hit a coconut. Coconut palms grew on the coral and soil erosion was prevented and thus formed islands. This led to a much symbiotic existence until the parasites called humans arrived on Earth. Thus Maldives was formed.

The people of Maldives can be dated back to time itself. This is because their origins are still unknown. However, some historians say that Maldivians came from Sri Lanka and its genetic diversity was due to offering of daughter to sailors as Maldives was an International Shipping Port back then.

This stopped when Villa and MNSL took over. Daagabaas were imported by them. Daagabaas were used for general living quarters as well as for virginal sacrifice when the monsoons were late.

Now we have inbreeding. Especially with the case of beyfulhun who prefer to inbreed within themselves. Now we prefer to go by pedigree like dogs.

Maldives was a country where there was an abundance of virgins (back then). Raithagallaa Ainthu Mariyambu (R. Anna-Marie), a sea demon, would visit frequently to get himself appeased. Nowadays R. Anna-Marie goes to another Buddhist country called Siam. I wonder why Siam has still not turned to another religion overnight. Perhaps because Thai Airways doesn’t have direct flights to Morocco.

So this Bubble Bracket Burberry (BBB) comes along with his stuff to sell. He was a travelling salesman I think. Since he was from an Arab country, it automatically made him an authoritative figure in Islam and an ancestor of the Prophet.

Anyways... he was reading the daily newspaper, Haveeru, when he found out that Maldives was losing a virgin monthly. This was quite unacceptable. The Haveeru also stated the name of the next virgin to be sacrificed - Sindhitha Raailath (Cinderella for short).

So he hatched a plan with the King.

The King of Maldives was Mahakalaminja (Great Black Ninja) back then and not Maumoon.

So BBB shaved his beard and put on drag like a Patpong katoey. He sat in a little hut and waited and waited that night. If the demon asked why the designated babe didn’t attend, he was to reply that she lost one of her Prada glass slippers and couldn’t get any other shoes to match her Dolce & Gabbana spring dress.

Soon he heard someone coughing. It was the R. Anna-Marie!!! The daemon came up to the house and said “magey kahbolah velifuran hutta dhusheemutha?” So the scared pretty BBB said “No, I didn’t!!!” and started shivering in fear. Then the demon started to push what seemed to be like a long navel (foolhu) through the keyhole of the hut. He then roared the question again. BBB again denied. So the demon pushed the foolhu thingy even further in. Now he roared more again. Probably because the keyhole was rough and K.Y. (or Astroglide) wasn’t invented yet back then. BBB took the opportunity and cut off the foolhu and put it in a Pyrex conical flask and plugged it with a rubber bung. He then connected this to a fractional distillator and removed access water out of it. By then the demon hollered in pain and ran off towards the sea. The brine must have stung the demon due to the concentration of sodium chloride in sea water.

BBB came out of the hut feeling victorious over the demon and threw the flask into the sea and recited some Quran. People saw the miracle this salesman had performed. BBB’s company stock bubbled up over the week and was doing good trading until the market crashed in the Big Depression after World War II.

Maldivians turned from a bunch of old Bhuddists to Islam overnight when people managed to learn what Islam meant and all the religious studies in just 1 night. Back then people were very intelligent and could learn very fast. Nowadays we take so many years to learn what even Shahaadhath really means.

The daagabaas were destroyed or covered with the pure coral sands from the beautiful white beaches of the Sunny Side of Life. Now people started to live in proper houses with sewage management and running water.

It was said that the demon was actually a prince who was turned into a beast by a witch’s spell. Only true love could turn him back permanently. He remained a horrific beast at night. The prince was now a king of a rich rich country. People didn’t know which country, but the country had lots of money the cowrie shells. So finally, in a play of the Beauty and Beast, the BBB (Beautiful Babe Belle) cured him.

The King's name was thus changed to a more simpler Sir Al marhoom al Usthaaz al Ghaazee His Majesty Honourable Nanreethi Kulareethi Siri Savaadheethan Bavana Sunthiki Koru Bodu Beru Mahaaradhun the First. It was noted that he did not have any further kids after this. He walked with a limp.

Maldivian history was not recorded since then until Captain Hook from the land of Portugal dropped by.

Back then the Portuguese were pirates and their leader was called Hook. Maldivians called him Andhiri Andhirin because he had an eye patch and was blind in one eye.

His one hand is replaced by a hook. His hand was bitten off by a crocodile. The crocodile is still in Male', and can be seen in the Children's Park. There is a movement to free it so that it may spawn more freedom fighters for us against the impeding Portuguese Missionaries.

Mister King Ali was basking on the northern beach of Male’, enjoying some toddy from exotic island of Vilingili when all of a sudden he saw the Jolly Rogers flying on the mast of Hook’s ship!!! “Oh no!” he exclaimed, with a deep sigh, “This is going to be the death of me.” He was martyred that day. So was everyone else fleeing southwards to avoid the invading hordes.

Shiver me timbers! They were tied up and made to walk the plank – into shark infested waters. Mister King tripped and fell into Shaheedh Ali tomb instead.

Peter Pan saved us from the Portuguese. Peter Pan came from a Never Never Land. Maldivians still go there when [if] they experience happy thoughts. Which is like never these days.

The final battle with the Hook also included such heroes as Dandy Hale.
--- He was a topless short guy,
--- who slept with one eye.
--- In the climax of the war so vast,
--- he was seen swirling over his head the ship’s mast.
--- For his bravery he was giveneth,
--- a Ministerial position in the Maldivian cabinet.
--- Asthaa? Oh yeah!

Maldives was also geographically altered during this period when Bodu Taakur took short cuts through islands cutting the islands in half. He had to do this because Quantum Mechanics wasn’t invented and he could not use the much desired teleportation techniques we enjoy nowadays.

Bodu Taakur married Tinkerbell but did not create any offspring due to anatomical mismatches.

Time was stopped in Maldives again… Until Mars Labours dropped in.

Mars Labours came in UFO’s from Mars. Little is recorded about the origins of these people due to the conspiracy theory nature of their existence. Their invasion was due to not paying the dues from their help in freeing the Maldives from the Captain Hook. This was well documented in the historical book by the historian Pyrade.

They ruled the Maldives until Don Bandey rose against them. Mars Labours were overwhelmed by the Bangladeshi and Indian Labourers in Male’. As the Martians fled, they sunk the island where they had set up their base. This is to prevent the advanced technologies left in the island from getting into Maldivian hands. This island was known as Aithalhantisfushi. The British later Anglo-saxonised this to Atlantis. Some of the technologies did wash out due to sea currents and washed into Germany. This was found by Nazis and heavily used by Hitler during the WWII.

On a side note, just think… If the United Nations had helped protect Maldives from the Martians, the holocaust would have never happened. But since Maldives was a little country, they never bothered.

Once again nothing was written about Maldives. Except that kings and queens killed and slept with each other for fun, lust and accent into power. This was why the story of Repunzel never appeared in Maldivian history. Her mother had craved for Thoddoo karaa when she was pregnant. The rest is as we call it… history.

And then the British came along…

to be continued???

Disclaimer
The above events were not checked for factual correctness. I claim neither glory nor responsibility for any accuracy. Any existence of the above fictional characters is purely coincidental. Any attempts to prove or disprove this are futile.

I hear Harry Potter shake his wand at the boggart and say “RIDDIKULUS!”